i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
