i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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