Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
