I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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