Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
