I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
