The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
