Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
