she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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