I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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