In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
