farters have to be the big spoon...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
