Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
