Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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