I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
