They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
