I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
