So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
