How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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