I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
