last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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