I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
