there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
