My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
