so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
