i think my tv is drunk
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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