whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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