I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
