yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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