Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
