I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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