i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
