I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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