Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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