I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
