why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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