I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
