Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
