I faked an abortion last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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