I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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