You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
