my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
