the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
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i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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