im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
