Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
