My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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