you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
