Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
