I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
