Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
