Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
