Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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