fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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