It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
