I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
