My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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