he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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