he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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