we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
