I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
